Taser-Gun Funny!

[Adam]

Received this from a friend, and laughed out loud:

 

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A

guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for

their anniversary submitted this:

 

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn

Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our

15th anniversary and I was looking for a little

something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across

was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The

effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived,

with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,

allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

 

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device

and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in

the darn thing and pushed the button.

 

Nothing!

 

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I

pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal

surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of

electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

 

 

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what

that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking

to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only

two triple-A batteries, right?

 

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on

intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading

the directions and thinking that I really needed to

try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

 

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a

fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is

such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this

thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,

I did want some assurance that it would work as

advertised. Am I wrong?

 

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top

with my reading glasses> perched delicately on the

bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser

in another. The directions said that a one-second

burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a

two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms

and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second

burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on

the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer

than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

 

All the while I'm looking at this little device

measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in

circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with

two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to

myself, 'no possible way!'

 

What happened next is almost beyond description, but

I'll do my best...?

 

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her

head ****ed to one side as to say, 'don't do it

dip****,' reasoning that a one second burst from such

a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I

decided to give myself a one second burst just for

heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh,

pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . .

WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

 

 

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side

door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed

us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal

position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet,

both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,

with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest

position, and tingling in my legs?

 

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard

before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the

fireplace, obviously in an atempt to avoid getting

slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

 

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself

with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such

thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is

dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about

on the floor.. A three second burst would be

considered conservative?

 

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

 

A minu te or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a

relative thing at that point), I collected my wits

(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the

landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel

of the fireplace.

 

The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so

from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh

and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt

like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom

lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the

drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too

numb to know for sure and my sence of smell was gone.

I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I

believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my

nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their

safe return!!

 

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly

threatens me with it!

[JJ1o87]

LMAO. That story should really be on fmylife.com

[palmsprings]

Good laugh with that one Adam

[OIF Vet]

That is so funny. When ever my guys bought them before Iraq, they would run around and zap each other with them just for the hell of it. Over in Iraq, when ever you needed information and couldn't get it. All you would have to do is zap a goat or dog. After that, they would be singing like a bird. You would be amazed on how many weapons caches we found using that technique. Of course, the animals would get up and l'm sure that they were thinking "What in the world was that."

 

Rob

[70'sChevyGirl]

I don't think I am waiting that long for my stun gun. :lolsmack:

 

 

 

Awwwww Men...gotta love them.

[Chewy]

An oldie but a goodie!

[jjwvette]

:lolsmack:

[jub jub]

:lol:

[livingwater]

Oh man...My eye's are watering

[11chevz71]

Showed this to my teacher at school she loved it.