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Joke of the Day


Adam
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Beware of older men - they only get wiser!

 

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the

results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a

newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you

don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am

'About 32,' is the reply.

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

 

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and

asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

 

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops

in a drug store on her way down the street

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks

the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

 

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old

man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.

Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way

to tell how old a woman was.

 

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me

put my hands under your bra.

Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old

you are.'

 

They wait in silence on the empty street until her

curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins

to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches

each nipple.

 

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay,

okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes

his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

 

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was

incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

Edited by Adam
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I think this one is okay.

 

 

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the H*@* is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

 

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'

 

She replied with a snicker. 'That's not talcum powder;

it's 'Miracle Grow'!

 

 

 

:lolsmack::lolsmack::lolsmack::lolsmack:

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One more.........just in case.

 

 

An 80-year-old Italian goes to the

doctor for a check-up. The doctor is

amazed at what good shape the guy

is in and asks, 'How do you stay in

such great physical condition?'

 

I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says

the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in

such good shape. I'm up well before

daylight and out golfing up and down

the fairways. I have a glass of vino,

and all is well.'

 

'Well,' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that

helps, but there's got to be more to it!

How old was your Dad when he died?'

 

'Who said my Dad's dead?'

 

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's

still

alive.

How old is he?'

 

'He's 100 years old,' says the old Italian golfer. 'In fact he golfed

with

me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and

had a

little vino and that's why he's still alive.

He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'

 

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it

than! that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?'

 

'Who said my grandpa's dead?'

 

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're 80 years old and your

grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

 

'He's 118 years old,' says the old Italian golfer.

 

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point,

'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

 

'No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning

because he's getting married today.'

 

At this point the doctor is close to losing it.

'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'

 

'Who said he wanted to?':eek:

 

:banana:Gotta love Italians. :banana:

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