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So lets hear them... keep it clean guys... nothing overtly dirty, racist, or offensive. If you have to ask yourself "Will this offend anyone?" its probably better you don't post it. IMO a really corny bad joke is almost as good as anything so post up what you got... I'll start:

 

A large bear walks into a bar and grabs a seat.

He looks at the bartender and says:

 

"I'll have a.......................................................beer"

The bartender gets him a beer and as he slides it in front of the bear he says:

 

"Here you go, but whats with the big pause"

The bear replies:

 

"I'm a big bear"

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Another one.

 

A salesman on a business trip enters a hotel and walks up to the front desk to check in. While the hotel clerk is punching his info into the computer and getting everything prepared the salesman says:

 

"One more thing, can you please make sure the pornography in my room is disabled"

 

The clerk looks at him and says:

"You sick *******, its regular porn!"

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After a heavy night of drinking at the local bar, a drunk stumbles into a Catholic church and slowly makes his way into the confessional booth. There, the priest patiently awaits the man to begin his confession.

After a few minutes of silence, the priest politely taps on the window… nothing. The priest taps again and this time clears his throat a bit… still nothing. At this point the priest begins to lose his patience and bangs on the window.

Finally the dunk yells out… “Ain’t no use knocking, there ain’t no paper over here either!”

 

 

 

This one's for Bill:

 

So this pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. Confused, the bartender asks “Hey bud, why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?”

“I don’t know” the pirate says, “but it’s driving me nuts!”

 

 

:D:D:D

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This one's for Bill:

 

So this pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. Confused, the bartender asks “Hey bud, why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?”

“I don’t know” the pirate says, “but it’s driving me nuts!”

 

 

:D:D:D

 

 

 

Thats for bill alright.

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A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

 

As hes waiting for the bartender to serve his frosty cold refreshment he notices the beautiful piano music playing, but he doesn't see a sound system, or even a piano anywhere in the little dive bar.

 

As he sips his beer his curiosity gets the better of him and he asks:

 

"Bartender!! Where is that piano music coming from?"

 

The bartender looks around to make sure the coast is clear and then pulls a shoebox out from under the counter. He opens the lid to reveal a 1ft tall little man playing a little tiny piano.

 

"WHOA!!" exclaims the customer "Where in the heck did you get that??"

 

The bartender leans in and whispers:

"You see that booth over in the corner... if you sit there and whisper a wish, whatever you want will magically appear in the bar"

 

The customer, a little taken a back by this, thinks for a moment then slowly walks over and has a seat in the corner booth. He thinks for a moment and then whispers:

 

"I wish I had a million bucks"

 

Suddenly the doors to the bar burst open and ducks begin to fly in and fill the bar. The customer walks back to the bar and says:

 

"What the hell man?!?! I wished for a million BUCKS and I got a million DUCKS!!"

 

To which the bartender replies:

"Yea... did you really think I wished for a 12" pianist?"

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A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

 

As hes waiting for the bartender to serve his frosty cold refreshment he notices the beautiful piano music playing, but he doesn't see a sound system, or even a piano anywhere in the little dive bar.

 

As he sips his beer his curiosity gets the better of him and he asks:

 

"Bartender!! Where is that piano music coming from?"

 

The bartender looks around to make sure the coast is clear and then pulls a shoebox out from under the counter. He opens the lid to reveal a 1ft tall little man playing a little tiny piano.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"WHOA!!" exclaims the customer "Where in the heck did you get that??"

 

The bartender leans in and whispers:

"You see that booth over in the corner... if you sit there and whisper a wish, whatever you want will magically appear in the bar"

 

The customer, a little taken a back by this, thinks for a moment then slowly walks over and has a seat in the corner booth. He thinks for a moment and then whispers:

 

"I wish I had a million bucks"

 

Suddenly the doors to the bar burst open and ducks begin to fly in and fill the bar. The customer walks back to the bar and says:

 

"What the hell man?!?! I wished for a million BUCKS and I got a million DUCKS!!"

 

To which the bartender replies:

"Yea... did you really think I wished for a 12" pianist?"

 

 

 

 

 

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

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Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

 

 

Dear Walter,

 

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my

husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a

mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a

halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.. When I got home I

couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's

daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 22. We

have been married for ten years.

 

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been

having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would

leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been

feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever

since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't

go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

 

Sincerely, Sheila

 

 

Dear Sheila:

 

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a

variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris

in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the

intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these

approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is

faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

 

I hope this helps,

Walter

:lolsmack::lolsmack::lolsmack:

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This one's for Bill:

 

So this pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. Confused, the bartender asks “Hey bud, why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?”

“I don’t know” the pirate says, “but it’s driving me nuts!”

 

 

:lol::lol::lol:

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THE LOGICAL WIFE

 

After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day

and said, "Honey, 40 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car,

slept

on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep

every night with a hot 25-year-old gal.

 

"Now I have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma

screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman.

It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

 

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out

and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once

again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a

sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

 

Aren't older women great? They really know how to

solve a mid-life crisis...

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The Pastor's ***

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S *** OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ***.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST *** IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS *** FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER *** IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . .. even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's *** and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

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Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was

really pissed.

 

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the

driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

 

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke

up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box

gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

 

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought

the box back in the house.

 

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

 

Bob has been missing since Friday.

:lolsmack::lolsmack::lolsmack:

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Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was

really pissed.

 

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the

driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

 

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke

up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box

gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

 

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought

the box back in the house.

 

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

 

Bob has been missing since Friday.

:lolsmack::lolsmack::lolsmack:

 

 

 

 

Thats just to much. Now thats funny. :bow:

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A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

 

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks.

 

'Yep,' the dog replies.

 

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

 

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

 

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

 

I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

 

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

 

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

 

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

 

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that ****.

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