6spdg37s Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 so idk if you guys noticed but my other forums have. ive been posting irraticly not like i used too. pretty much my life is in a downward spiral and will eventually crash. im miserable to the point where i dont even wanna wake up in the morning. my fiance and I are semi split up, she is also 2 months pregnant with my baby. pretty much i was unstable and screwed up our relationship 3 times in recent months, this time she said she put a wall up , cant trust me , and i need to spend time with her and regain her trust. i spent time with her last night and me n her and her mother talked. so i pretty much hurt myself terribly becuase i did in fact do this to myself and now i cant really eat, cant really sleep, pretty much i dont want to do anything on top of all of this im still in an accelerated MBA program and working, and had to take a pay cut. Im seriously considering selling stuff just to get money in my savings account for the baby. but idk...point being my life is miserable. im at work right now and i wanna slam my head on the desk until im unconsious. so im sure this is news to all of you except jeff wherever he maybe lurking on the forum. i just sent her a 70 dollar flower arraingment to her house. im hoping they will leave it if they get there before she gets home from work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marylander Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 John - First, just take a deep breath and try to let go of the stress for a bit -- dwelling on it only makes it worse. Focus on work or school this am and get something accomplished. Little steps are what it takes to get moving forward. Next, take a little walk or some find some quiet time to think about what's really important to you. Then realize that everything else is secondary. Focus on #1 and the rest will fall into place. Think about what you need and don't need, and then realize that all the stuff you DON'T need is only weighing you down. Simplify. Finally, don't ever think that things are impossible. Almost everyone has been in situations that seem impossible, but they work out. You're a smart guy with plenty of positives going for you; you'll be fine. Just take things step by step, and don't forget to breathe. Rich Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
70'sChevyGirl Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 Well said Rich!! Unfortunately, life is not always easy and there are bumps in the road. Its like taking the right path. Focus on today. Things will fall into place but you need to think about what you want out of life and how to get there. With a child on the way, things will be different in your future. It sounds to me like you have a good head on your shoulders and that you are concerned about all the right things. I am sure that everything will work out just fine. You need to try to eat something even if you feel that you can't. Maybe a bagel?? Stress isn't good for you so you need to try and chill. I know...easier said than done. Talking honestly with your woman is the best solution. We are here for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
6spdg37s Posted September 8, 2009 Author Share Posted September 8, 2009 ^ ive been talking to her all week and trying to get her back i didnt loose her persay because her mother even said she still wants to see you. she just needs time to regain trust and get things back to how they used to be. she just called me she had to go for blood work before work..and she is not a happy person right now. the lady doing the bloodwork said to her " your having alot of tests are you having surgery?" n shes like no im pregnant. then the womans like "oh your only 21 your really young is that your husband?" shes like no my father took me here now ... and then i beleive she went off cursing for about 15 minutes..lol. shes flipping out now on her way to work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
70'sChevyGirl Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 Trusting someone in a relationship should be top priority. It is hard to stay in a relationship when you can't trust someone. Lying doesn't help either. It takes time to regain that trust. Stress for either one of you is not good. It makes you not want to eat, sleep or work. It takes a toll on your body and mind. You both need to figure out what you want out of your relationship and try to build a new foundation full of trust and love. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jjwvette Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 Sorry to hear John, like Rich said take a few steps back and focus on the getting the stress out...talking helps, so thats a step in the right direction and like Teresa say's you need trust in a relationship and sounds like you need to work on that. Good luck John Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
6spdg37s Posted September 8, 2009 Author Share Posted September 8, 2009 yes i agree...well im trying to spend time with her and be stable and supportive... hopefully things will turn out good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chewy Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 Well it sounds to me like you've learned a valuable lesson. Through my years of dating I have come away with two things you need to make a relationship work. #1 attraction (not just physical) #2 trust I know where she is in her mind right now. I had this happen to me and I told the girl to go pound salt and I haven't seen her since. (she was my fiance') When I went in to my next long term I remembered two things. #1 I wanted to make sure she trusted me and vice-versa. You can tell someone a million times you won't do it/do it again but they remember that 1 time you did. #2 Don't take the person for granted. If you do that then I don't believe you truly love them. This is ALL IMHO... Take it slow, shed some tears (preferably in front of her) so she knows you care and that you screwed the pooch. Flowers are OK but you should bring them to her. They mean more that way. Remember... TAKE IT SLOW! Good luck! Chris Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris@Adams Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 John, Stop beating yourself up, everyone makes mistakes. Today is a new day and what you do with it is up to you. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6. I will remember you in my prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IMADreamer Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 Welcome to adulthood! It's not like you imagined it is it? lol Ok just kidding. Here's what you do, have a big freakout, cry, hit something, go get wasted, whatever it is you do. Then go home and do something you like, maybe detail a car, go driving (not if you are still wasted), etc etc. You should be calm at that point and then you can hopefully rationally think. Now that you've calmed make a list of what makes you happy. If you are grown up, which I think you are it's going to be a list of unmaterialistic things that are going to take some work. Prioritize those things and focus on them one at a time until you get them right. So maybe your list looks like gf other family friends hobbies etc just take them one at a time and get back to basics. As we get older things get more complicated and they start to pile up. Sometimes you just have to take a step back and simplify. Good luck, you can do it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
6spdg37s Posted September 8, 2009 Author Share Posted September 8, 2009 ^ thats what i am doing... first off im cutting my expenses down main expenses are food, commuting expenses (gas, bus tickets, metrocard), my infiniti payment is small and i cant get out of the lease, insurance but im dropping the viper in november for the winter/spring because wtf am i gonna do with a 510 hp car in the snow? and the bike i paid insurance in full till nextyear. and i owe no money on the bike and viper... the whole reason this fight came along was i value alone time alot. i need time to sit in front of a tv by myself and do nothing at all...she wasnt allowing me to get that time. so we started going at each other one thing led to another i said some very stupid things and now i sit here beating myself up repeditvly over what i did to myself and her and our unborn child Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
70'sChevyGirl Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 There is nothing wrong with alone time. Everyone needs it occassionally. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lawson4450 Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 well bud i can tell you this one of the things that me and my wife talk to each other constantly,but we also have our seperate time. with my work schedule i had time to do things on my own and then i would spend time with her doing things we both like. Also one thing we never do is go to bed mad at each other if we arent happy we talk about it. Finally never ever talk to each other in anger because thats when we say things we dont mean or that get taken out of context and it makes things worse. If you take a step back take a deep breath and start at step 1 then go to step 2 things will work out. And like what was said above say your prayers and things will work out. and if you ever need to chat man you can always hit me up not a problem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chewy Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 Another key to a good relationship that I forgot to mention is communication. It's pretty key. You need to sit down like two adults and talk about it. Tell her what you need out of a relationship and vice-versa and meet in the middle. It's a two way street. You meet her and she meets you. Sometimes it's not meant to be. You need to make sure you see that before getting married. I'd hate to see two people get married and fight. Especially when there's a child involved. Chris Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Superdutytd Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 I once did an interview for a school project like 5 years ago and the topic for the project was marriage and we had to go and interview married couples. All of the people we interviewed were married 20+ years and the thing that they ALL said was most important in their relationships was communication. Now I am most definitely NOT throwing off on your fiance but when women get pregnant they change in different ways due to hormones and the stresses of being pregnant, especially at a younger age when many women feel self conscious about being pregnant. You both should try and communicate with oneanother about your separate needs/wants concerning all aspects of your life including the baby, your alone time and and the future. Even though I have never met you before it appears to me that you have a good head on your shoulders and are heading in the right direction. Keep your chin up and remember every day is a new day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OIF Vet Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 John, Don't beat yourself up. Like the folks said in ther earlier posts, breath and take a step back. One piece of advice that I wish I had when I was dating my wife before we were married. Communication! Don't try to be macho and keep everything bottled up inside. It will only add more stress to yourself. It's alright for men to express there feelings and emotions. My wife and I starting dating in 1993, broke up in 1994 (I was a macho jerk), got back together in 1995 and we were married in 1996. The one thing that I learned is that I had to communicate with her. September 21st is going to be out 13th wedding anniversary. We look back at our time apart and we are kind of thankful becuase that made us realize what we had while we were together. Remember things may not be great right now but take it in stride and it will all work out. Rob Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
6spdg37s Posted September 9, 2009 Author Share Posted September 9, 2009 she is making my life miserable.. im still in love with her i still wanna be with her..but now on top of shes not sure if she wants me back shes giving me ultimatiums about cars and such. im mad like if they didnt sensor this forum u have no idea wat id b saying. jeff was with me while i was on the phone with her Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chewy Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 (edited) It get's to a point where you have to man up and realize that it isn't meant to be. It's not fair that she give you ultimatums about things that don't pertain to your relationship. She knows you'll do just about anything right now for her because of how you acted and she MAY be taking advantage of that. Just make sure you don't give in to things you can't live with/without. Chris Edited September 9, 2009 by Chewy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
6spdg37s Posted September 9, 2009 Author Share Posted September 9, 2009 yea bro its pretty much all my hobbies she complained how i should sell my bike, viper, etc; even though there paid off her mother even disagreed with that. then she got into how regardless of how much money im making when my lease ends i shouldnt and i CANT buy another expensive car. that shouldnt pertain to her. the way i see it if im making lets say 6k a month and i take care of her and the baby first there is no reason y i cant spend 1k a month on a car? this is because she has a ****ty dead end job that she hates and didnt go to school and struggle thru and earn 3 degrees in 5 years like i did..im entitled to spend and do as i please as long as it is not having a negative effect on the so called family Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Superdutytd Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 yea bro its pretty much all my hobbies she complained how i should sell my bike, viper, etc; even though there paid off her mother even disagreed with that. then she got into how regardless of how much money im making when my lease ends i shouldnt and i CANT buy another expensive car. that shouldnt pertain to her. the way i see it if im making lets say 6k a month and i take care of her and the baby first there is no reason y i cant spend 1k a month on a car? this is because she has a ****ty dead end job that she hates and didnt go to school and struggle thru and earn 3 degrees in 5 years like i did..im entitled to spend and do as i please as long as it is not having a negative effect on the so called family I've seen this argument come up many times about spending 'excess' money on toys or whatnot. Having a family sometimes means that maybe the next car you buy will have to be one that pertains more to a family? I mean you already have a Viper/bike as a fun vehicles so maybe you're everyday car might be something that you can put a baby seat in the back and haul the family around in. Married couples usually make these decisions together about things like buying new cars and spending excess money. You also have to remember that it is never too early to start saving and putting money away for things like your kids college fund and emergency's that may come up. Trust me I like having a nice car just as much as anyone else but it should be put behind things more important. One more thing to note is that there is no reason that you two cannot spend some time apart in your relationship. Time cures a lot of things and maybe focusing just on her health and planning for the baby without having to worry about your own relationship will help some things blow over and give you both some times to think things over. Just like Chewy said sometimes things like this just aren't mean to be but if you two truly love one another love can overcome just about anything Once again I wish you good luck and remember EVERY day is a NEW day! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
70'sChevyGirl Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Does your woman have any of the same hobbies?? If not, maybe you should find one that both of you enjoy. I don't mind working on the Vettes with my husband. As a matter of fact, we have a blast doing it together plus I think he likes watching me get a lil dirty and greasy. The Camaro comes next... We ride gokarts together, ATVs, love going on the boat and many other things. He just doesn't like shopping and its a good thing for him that I don't either. We enjoy each others company and never complain about stupid stuff because it is totally useless. Find out where both of your priorities are and go from there. Sounds to me like she is being pretty difficult. Blaming it on being pregnant is just an excuse. You both need to sit down and have a long talk. Get a piece of paper out and both of you write down what you expect out of the other. Then discuss it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
6spdg37s Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 yea except shes pretty much has me on "punishment" shes testing me to see if i freak out or bail again. we had the same hobbies we both liked going out going to clubs etc; cars just arent her hobby but their what i live for. i used to spend 80 hrs a week in circuit city during xmas time just to get money to save up for the viper. and it wasnt like im going to buy a lambo. i said a bmw m5, 550i 750Li, escalade, jeep srt-8 etc; family cars... n she said its not necessary. but besides the point she still wants me to sell the bike and viper and im not. and its a control issue cause shes saying she can live without me but then shes saying she dont want me to have the bike cause i can die? its a mind control thing. newsflash i can die crossing the street or choking on a fkn bagel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
70'sChevyGirl Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Well don't let her control you because that isn't the way a happy couple get along. You both must meet in the middle. What are your terms or don't you have any?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
6spdg37s Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 what do u mean by what our my terms? we were/are engaged and thats that. but shes saying she dont wanna be with me.. i really just want full custody of the kid and thats that Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
70'sChevyGirl Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 what do u mean by what our my terms? we were/are engaged and thats that. but shes saying she dont wanna be with me.. i really just want full custody of the kid and thats that On terms...she has told you what she wants from you. What do you want from her?? A relationship is not a one way street. :willy: Full custody on a new born child is tough to achieve unless you can prove to the court that she is an unfit mother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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