Joke Thread

[Bill-V8V]

:lolsmack::lolsmack::lolsmack:

 

 

Thanks Rich, I needed a good laugh :thumbsup:

[jjwvette]

.

 

 

 

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

 

"I'll have the strip steak, rare, please."

 

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

 

"Nah, she can order for herself."

 

And that¢s when the fight started...

 

*************************************************************

******

 

:lol:

[11chevz71]

:lolsmack::lolsmack:

[Memphis Senior]

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet Biscuit, the Wonder Dog.

I was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

 

 

 

What did she think I had, an elephant? Since I'm retired and have little to do,

except to think of ways to mess with peoples minds.

I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time,

but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward

with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

 

 

 

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is you load your

pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.

The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

 

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's *** and a car hit us both.

 

 

 

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

 

 

 

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

[11chevz71]

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet Biscuit, the Wonder Dog.

I was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

 

 

 

What did she think I had, an elephant? Since I'm retired and have little to do,

except to think of ways to mess with peoples minds.

I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time,

but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward

with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

 

 

 

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is you load your

pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.

The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

 

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's *** and a car hit us both.

 

 

 

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

 

 

 

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

 

 

 

 

 

:lolsmack::lolsmack::lolsmack::lolsmack::lolsmack:

[Rich]

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint

when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

 

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitt ing with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

 

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,

'Hey you!'

 

So the koala looked down at him and said,

' Duuuude...

How much water did you drink!?'

 

 

 

:lolsmack:

[11chevz71]

Good one rich

[70'sChevyGirl]

:lolsmack: Rich!!

[jjwvette]

[Memphis Senior]

For all you married guys out there. I've actually done this and it works, and not just for fishing.

The longer you're married, the better it works.

 

 

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

 

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend.

I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

 

Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

 

 

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

 

They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him.

"You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

 

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm,

gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she said, "Wear a sweater."

[Loud Pedal]

:lol::lol::lol:

[Rich]

Sounds familiar. :lolsmack:

[11chevz71]

:lolsmack: Thats one way to do it.

[Memphis Senior]

Ramblings of a retired mind.

 

PAY PARTICULAR ATTENTION TO THE LAST ONE.

 

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

The above was told to me by an old Iowa farmer.

Being a big city boy, I have no idea what it means.

I remember thinking it sounded profound at the time and it stuck with me.

 

A pi$$ed off bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Same farmer as above.

 

Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

 

Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

 

Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

 

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

 

It doesn't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

 

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

 

Every path has a few puddles.

 

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

 

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

 

Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

 

Don't judge folks by their relatives, but by their friends.

 

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

 

Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

 

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.

 

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging'.

 

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

 

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every morning'.

 

Always drink upstream from the herd.

 

Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.

 

Letting' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

 

If you get to thinking' you're a person of some influence, try ordering' somebody else's dog around.

 

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

 

Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.

[bigred vette]

Nick...sorry for trying to pick a fight with you Bill.

[Rich]

Nick...sorry for trying to pick a fight with you Bill.

 

:lol::lol:Old man Bill:lol::lol:

[Bill-V8V]

So when exactly did Rich tell you these things :jester:

[70'sChevyGirl]

"I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm,

gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she said, "Wear a sweater."

:lolsmack::lolsmack:

:lolsmack:

:lolsmack:

[jjwvette]

For all you married guys out there. I've actually done this and it works, and not just for fishing.

The longer you're married, the better it works.

 

 

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

 

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend.

I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

 

Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

 

 

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

 

They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him.

"You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

 

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm,

gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she said, "Wear a sweater."

 

:lolsmack:

[Memphis Senior]

One more from the OLD GUY.

 

 

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD

 

This is supposed to be a true story.

 

 

George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed,

when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed,

which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light,

but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

 

 

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy.

You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

 

Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.

Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic,

and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

 

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

 

 

 

OLD GUYS RULE :lol:

[11chevz71]

Great on nick. The scary thing is that probably true.

[jjwvette]

One more from the OLD GUY.

 

 

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD

 

This is supposed to be a true story.

 

 

George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed,

when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed,

which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light,

but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

 

 

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy.

You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

 

Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.

Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic,

and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

 

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

 

 

 

OLD GUYS RULE :lol:

[Rich]

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to

thaw out during a particularly icy winter. [font=Arial Black]

They planned to stay at the same hotel where

they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

 

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to

coordinate their travel schedules.

So, the husband left Minnesota and flew

to Florida on Thursday,

with his wife flying down the

next day.

The husband checked into the hotel.

There was a computer in his room, so he decided

to send an email to his wife.

 

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her

email address, and without

realizing his error, sent the email.

 

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just

returned home from her husband's funeral.

He was a minister who was

called home to glory

following a heart attack.

 

The widow decided to check her email expecting

messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she

screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room,

found his mother on the floor,

and saw the computer screen which read:

 

 

To: My Loving Wife

Subject : I've Arrived

Date: October 16, 2008

 

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now

and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

 

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! [font=Arial Black]

 

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

 

[/font][/font]

[11chevz71]

:lolsmack::lolsmack::lolsmack::lolsmack::lolsmack: Excellent one rich

[bigred vette]