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very funny...found on zxforums.com


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Husband banned from Target


After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to

Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and

preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she

loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from our local



Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in

our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban

both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samsel, are

listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.


1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other

people's carts when they weren't looking.


2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute



3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the

women's restroom.(not nice)


4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official

voice,'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee

to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor

that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time

and costing the company money.


5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on



6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.


7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the

children shoppers he would invite them in if they would bring pillows and

blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.


8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying

and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.


9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a

mirror while he picked his nose.


10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he

asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.


11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming

the 'Mission Impossible' theme.


12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'

by using different sizes of funnels.


13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed

through,yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'


14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he

assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'


And last, but not least:


15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,

and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of

the clerks passed out.

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An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to<?xml:namespace prefix = o /><o:p></o:p>

the local church for confession.<o:p></o:p>

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said, "Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."<o:p></o:p>

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."<o:p></o:p>

"There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'<o:p></o:p>

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."<o:p></o:p>

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."<o:p></o:p>

"And what is that?" asked the priest.<o:p></o:p>

"Should I tell her the war is over?"










At St. Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husbands marriage





At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who was

approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and

share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same

woman all these years.






Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I've a-tried to treat-a her

nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of alla is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!



The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to

all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your

wife for your 50th anniversary?


Giuseppe proudly replied, 'I'm agonna go get her.

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I actually did something similar to #1 about 40 years ago.

My wife and her best friend dragged me with them when they went shopping. Can't remember why.

The 2 of them were pushing carts and I was just walking behind.

Like many women they were "visiting" as they walked, paying little attention to their carts.

As they walked down the isle with feminine products, they stopped to discuss the merits of one product.

I put 2 GIANT size "feminine napkins" packages in each of their carts and quietly walked away. :rolleyes:

When they heard some giggling and saw what I had done they both turned a bright red. :eek: :eek:


I slept on the couch for the next week. :( She never asked me to go shoping with her again. :lol::lol:

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